Day 3

Day 03 – Your parents

Well, if this isn't a subject I would rather not touch, I don't know what is. My parents were as different as night and day.

They married young. They wanted a baby, which was against my mom's Dr's advice because she was on new heart medication. He said she needed to be on the medicine at least a year before trying. Well, nothing would do for her and my dad and several months after they were married, she was pregnant with me.

It was a disaster due to her medical conditions. She was sick all the time and they were immature. My dad ended up bailing because of the stress and they were already on the way to a divorce when I made my entrance in this world.

I think my mom was heart broken for a long time and probably told me things as a young child that I didn't need to hear. I don't think she meant to harm me, but she did. The story that I have always heard was that in divorce proceedings, my dad said he would not ask to see me or have any custody if my mom wouldn't ask him to pay child support. So, that's the way it was.

I didn't really know much about him, but little by little as I got older, I found out that he was remarried and he had a son and daughter. I always longed to have brothers and sisters, so knowing they were there right in the next town REALLY, REALLY damaged me.

When I was 15, my dad contacted my mom about seeing me. She wasn't nice, I was a kid and confused and said more out of loyalty to my mom that I didn't want to see him. My mom had another conversation with him that I didn't know about until years later. She told him that if he wanted to have a relationship with me, he would wait until I was old enough to really process and make my own decision. So he did. On my 21st birthday, he called my apartment phone and I didn't know how to react. We ended up talking for several weeks and I went to his house one Friday night to see him.

My little brother was 11 and my sister was 7 at the time, so I was elated that it might not be too late for me and them. I did everything I could to be a good sister. But, his wife would not accept me. My dad and step mom began to fight a lot and things just got way out of hand. I ended up making the decision to just leave well enough alone. I missed my siblings terribly, but I refused to turn their functional family into dysfunctional because of me.

My brother is now married and my little sister graduated high school this May and got engaged last week. I know this because we're friends on facebook. It breaks my heart that things are the way they are, but I don't know how to fix them.

I ran into my dad in Walmart recently and it was just weird. I wanted him to just hug me and hold me. We stood at the end of the kitchen isle and talked for 30 minutes. He asked me was there anything specific that he could pray for me about. I told him no, just his prayers in general were appreciated. I left that store in tears because even though my mom and grandma raised me well, all I have ever wanted was to be a daddy's girl.